Q: Am I an asshole?
A: If you have noticed that the lives of those around you have become unmanageable because of your behavior, then you should consider wilderness therapy. It will do you and everyone else a lot of good.
Q: How long am I expected to be at asshole camp?
A: The length of therapy will depend on the individualized treatment plan established by the clinical director who evaluates individuals on-going progress and and determines when you can leave. Typically, assholes will stay at Evergreen Acres for 28 days. We have, however, had one troubled individual spend 15 months at camp.
Q: Is my family allowed to visit me while I'm at asshole camp?
A: No. Although the family's role is essential in the recovery process, Evergreen Acres encourages assholes to explore their situation and focus on healing while alone in the wilderness. Your family probably needs time away from you anyway.
Q: Should I be concerned regarding a frantic phone call I received from my husband claiming rampant physical abuse at asshole camp?
A: Certainly not. Often times troubled adults will resort to lies and half-truths to manipulate loved ones to help them escape from wilderness therapy
Q: Is there any guarantee that I will return home completely rehabilitated after my time at asshole camp?
A: There is no “money back guarantee” at Evergreen Acres. Our wilderness therapy program works 20 percent of the time for those dedicated individuals who stick to their treatment plan and complete their wilderness tests. Evergreen Acres does offer a 5% discount for assholes wishing to return to wilderness therapy.
Q: I have heard that I can leave asshole camp at any time. Is this true?
A: No. Where the hell did you hear that? Actually, you know what…yes, you can go home early. However, any asshole attempting to leave Evergreen Acres before treatment is completed must brave the elements of nature on their own which includes miles and miles of uncharted wilderness, snakes, bears, and even deranged hillbillies who may or may not rape you in the butt.